BRUTUS (The Immortal Matchmakers Inc. Book 6) Read online

  Oh, she wanted to go there, did she?

  He was game.

  After all, they had minutes left to live. Why not spend them thinking of enjoyable things?

  “Well.” He cleared his throat and straightened his back against the post, trying to get comfortable for this little round of sexting. Without the phones, of course. “I would definitely start out by taking you to my home in Sedona. It is a very cozy adobe atop a hill, looking out across red cliffs and miles of beautiful desert. And since there is an incredible sunset each night, where the sky bursts into hot pinks and blazing reds, I would set out a very nice bottle of wine and a blanket on my patio. We would watch the sunset and enjoy the majestic beauty of nature—”

  “That sounds super romantic, but I don’t know when my mother is coming to remove my head, so could you skip to the sex part, please?”

  He grinned. “Okay, then, I would take you inside, remove your clothing. I would tell you that I was going to lick and kiss you from head to toe, but by the time I got done sucking one of your nipples and found your entrance wet and ready, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from pinning your hands over your head and taking you hard. Like a savage beast.”

  Fina bit her lower lip, her pupils dilating. “How hard?”

  “You’d scream my name and claw at my back.”

  OTHER WORKS BY MIMI JEAN PAMFILOFF

  COMING SOON!

  The Librarian’s Vampire Assistant (Book 5) ← Finally! We get to hear directly from Miriam.

  Fanged Love ← Your face is going to hurt from laughing.

  The Dead King (King Series, Book 6) ← Can’t wait! I need me some evil King!

  THE ACCIDENTALLY YOURS SERIES

  (Paranormal Romance/Humor)

  Accidentally in Love with…a God? (Book 1)

  Accidentally Married to…a Vampire? (Book 2)

  Sun God Seeks…Surrogate? (Book 3)

  Accidentally…Evil? (a Novella) (Book 3.5)

  Vampires Need Not…Apply? (Book 4)

  Accidentally…Cimil? (a Novella) (Book 4.5)

  Accidentally…Over? (Series Finale) (Book 5)

  THE BOYFRIEND COLLECTOR DUET

  (New Adult/Suspense)

  The Boyfriend Collector, Part 1

  The Boyfriend Collector, Part 2

  THE FATE BOOK DUET

  (New Adult/Humor)

  Fate Book

  Fate Book Two

  THE FUGLY DUET

  (Contemporary Romance)

  fugly

  it’s a fugly life

  THE HAPPY PANTS SERIES

  (Standalones/Romantic Comedy)

  The Happy Pants Café (Prequel)

  Tailored for Trouble (Book 1)

  Leather Pants (Book 2)

  Skinny Pants (Book 3)

  IMMORTAL MATCHMAKERS, INC., SERIES

  (Standalones/Paranormal/Humor)

  The Immortal Matchmakers (Book 1)

  Tommaso (Book 2)

  God of Wine (Book 3)

  The Goddess of Forgetfulness (Book 4)

  Colel (Book 5)

  Brutus (Book 6) ← You are here.

  THE KING SERIES

  (Dark Fantasy/Suspense)

  King’s (Book 1)

  King for a Day (Book 2)

  King of Me (Book 3)

  Mack (Book 4)

  Ten Club (Book 5)

  THE LIBRARIAN’S VAMPIRE ASSISTANT

  (Standalones/Mystery/Humor)

  The Librarian’s Vampire Assistant (Book 1)

  The Librarian’s Vampire Assistant (Book 2)

  The Librarian’s Vampire Assistant (Book 3)

  The Librarian’s Vampire Assistant (Book 4)

  THE MERMEN TRILOGY

  (Dark Fantasy/Suspense)

  Mermen (Part 1)

  MerMadmen (Part 2)

  MerCiless (Part 3)

  MR. ROOK’S ISLAND TRILOGY

  (Contemporary/Suspense)

  Mr. Rook (Part 1)

  Pawn (Part 2)

  Check (Part 3)

  THE OHELLNO SERIES

  (Standalones/New Adult/Romantic Comedy)

  Smart Tass (Book 1)

  Oh Henry (Book 2)

  Digging A Hole (Book 3)

  Battle of the Bulge (Book 4)

  My Pen is Huge (Book 5)

  Wine Hard, Baby (Book 6)

  WISH, a Standalone Novel (Romantic Comedy)

  BRUTUS

  The Immortal Matchmakers, Inc. Series

  Book 6

  Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  A Mimi Boutique Novel

  Copyright © 2020 by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  Kindle Edition

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the writer, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks are not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

  Photographer: VJ Dunravan at Periodimages.com

  Cover Design: Earthly Charms

  Developmental Editing: Stephanie Elliot

  Copyediting and Proof Reading: Pauline Nolet

  Formatting: Paul Salvette

  NOTE ABOUT BOOK PIRACY

  “I’m not hurting anyone.”

  “I can’t afford to buy books, so the author isn’t losing money. I’d never buy them anyway.”

  “I don’t think it’s wrong. So many people do it.”

  “I bought the ebook. I own it. I can share it.”

  Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. And nope!

  As an author who supports her family on this income, it’s difficult to find the right words to convey how damaging illegal sharing and piracy is to me personally, to my fellow authors, and to the industry.

  Bottom line, if a person buys a copy of a book or ebook, they do not now OWN the rights to that work. The author does. The reader has only purchased a right to that one, single copy.

  In the case of paperbacks, that means a reader can share their copy with a friend, but they can’t print off five hundred copies and give them out.

  In the case of ebooks, it means the reader has purchased a license, granted by the author, for one person only. The reader can share their ereader. Sure. Okay! They can even share a book via licensed, tracked, and controlled share programs that the author has opted into (such as on Kindle). BUT if the reader decides to share any other way, that’s making an illegal copy. That one illegal copy so innocently sent to friends or groups or posted on share sites can turn into hundreds, thousands, or millions.

  Again, buying a book/ebook does not mean a reader now “owns” the book. They do not own distribution rights. They do not have the right to take an author’s work and give it away to anyone as they see fit. Even libraries have special terms under which people can check out ebooks.

  So please do not make illegal copies. Please do not share copies. Please do not download illegal copies.

  As human beings, we all have a right to decide how we’re compensated for our work and time. Strangers, the public, and book pirate sites don’t have the right to decide for us.

  As for these sites that claim they’re not doing anything w
rong? The sites pirated book lovers go to and think they’re not hurting anyone? What sort of person would put up a website that uses stolen work (or encourages its users to share stolen work) in order to make money for themselves, either through website traffic or direct sales? Haven’t you ever wondered? Putting up thousands of pirated books onto a website or creating those anonymous ebook file-sharing sites takes time and resources. Quite a lot, actually.

  So who are these people? Do you think they’re decent, ethical people with good intentions? Why do they set up camp anonymously in countries—Russia and Iran, for example—where they can’t be touched?

  And the money they make from advertising every time you go to their website, or through selling stolen work, what are they using it for? The answer is you don’t know. They could be terrorists, organized criminals, or just greedy bastards. But one thing we DO know is that THEY ARE CRIMINALS who don’t care about you, your family, or me and mine. And their intentions can’t be good.

  And every time someone illegally shares or downloads a book from one of these sites, THEY ARE BREAKING the law and HELPING these people BREAK THE LAW.

  Meanwhile, people like me, who work to support a family and children, are left wondering why anyone would condone this. Assholes, I guess.

  And for those who legally purchased/borrowed/obtained my work from a reputable retailer (not sure, just ask me!) muchas thank yous! You rock.

  DEDICATION

  To Trenna Harris.

  You loved to smile and have adventures.

  So this one is for you, girl.

  You will be missed.

  WARNING

  This book contains a smokin’ hot immortal warrior looking for his forever love, a randy invisible unicorn, and bad, bad, such bad language. Okay, and some sex. Fine, yes! Lots of sex! And a kitten, a bit of violence, a man who loves knitting, mannibalism, unruly deities, Mayan priests who babysit animals, a naked goddess who wears a bee bikini, leather pants (for men), a very randy ghost who’s desperate for her HEA, anecdotes about evil mermen, a BIG plot twist even the author didn’t see coming, and a ton of romancy kind of stuff.

  CONTENTS

  About the Book

  Other Works by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Note About Book Piracy

  Dedication

  Warning

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Author’s Note

  Acknowledgments

  Character Definitions - The Gods

  Character Definitions - Not the Gods

  About the Author

  BRUTUS

  CHAPTER ONE

  “No. No more. I beg of you…” Tethered to a large tree, his hands bound together behind his back, Brutus, the world’s most fearless immortal warrior, was finally at his breaking point. His shoulder blades were raw from the friction of the bark, and his cock literally felt like it might fall off. Also, there were dried twigs and leaves up his ass crack. He hated sitting naked in the dirt, especially in such a dense, dark jungle. Things lived in the dirt. Scary things.

  Nothing as scary as these women.

  “Silence, male,” the tall blonde Amazonian woman growled and removed her suede sarong, leaving her completely nude with her pert nipples pointing straight at him like two predatory eyes. “Get that thing hard for me. Chop-chop. I’ve been waiting all morning for my turn.”

  I cannot possibly come another time. It wasn’t that these females weren’t attractive, with their tall lean bodies and tanned skin, but they were rough. They were demanding. And frankly, he was not okay with being bossed around like this.

  He was the one who gave orders.

  He was a leader in the gods’ army.

  He was a legendary immortal warrior.

  And idiot me came alone on this important mission. Now he was a sex prisoner. Well, sorta.

  Truth was, he could probably break free if he wanted, but then these women would likely try to kill him, and he’d have to fight his way out of the jungle. Sure, he’d win—no woman was a match for his massive muscles and experience in battle—but he would lose the war. The war that would end everything. These women could mean the difference between winning and losing.

  Brutus tilted his head back and rested it on the tree behind him. “You’re not getting what you want. I’m spent. I’m tired and hungry. So kill me if you must, but I’m done.” He knew they wouldn’t really harm him. They were much too horny, and from the looks of things, not one man among them.

  The female warrior crouched in front of him and squeezed his unshaved face, digging her daggerlike nails into the skin. “I want sex,” she snarled, “and you shall give it to me or…” She whipped out a long blade, just as the previous ninety-seven women had.

  He flinched, feeling the sharp edge of the knife pressing against his right testicle. “Hurry. Get it over with, then,” he said, his tone pure cockiness.

  “Helga! Leave him alone,” a familiar female voice barked. “Can’t you see the man is exhausted? He’ll be no use to us if you cut the coconuts off his tree, and my mother will be displeased.”

  Helga slowly stood, taking her blade with her. “Stay out of this, Fina. It is my turn with the man, and I say whether he lives or dies. At the moment, I say die.”

  Wearing a bikini made of animal hides, Fina stepped into view, appearing between two tall mango trees. She was by far the best looking among their tribe, with her wide hips, toned arms and legs, and almond-shaped eyes. Her most striking feature, however, was the unusual gold streak on her right temple that contrasted her long dark hair. Her mouth, on the other hand, left something to be desired. Very mean scowl.

  Fina was the one who had initially encountered him in the jungle. What luck! he’d thought. His mission to find this group was a matter of the utmost importance, but instead of hearing him out, Fina had hit him over the head. He’d woken up here with his hands tied behind his back and his torso roped to this tree.

  It had been over a week now, and his attempts to tell them why he’d come were futile. It was as if they tuned him out or had very selective hearing when it came to male voices. Not that he was much of a talker. It was a well-known fact back home that he and his men, all human warriors who’d been gifted the immortal light of the gods (making them demigods), had developed a bond so strong that they could communicate telepathically. Years of practice.

  “Helga, I do not wish to quarrel over this man,” Fina said, placing a sour note on the word man—like he was a useless piece of shit or a rotten banana. “I am merely pointing out that we have not seen a male around here in decades, and such a fine, well-equipped specimen at that. If you kill him, the others will be very upset. They’ve already planned out a sex schedule for the next six months.”

  Six months? “No. That’s fine,” Brutus interjected. “She’s free to kill me. I’ve lived long enough.”

  Both women looked at him. Fina growled. Helga smiled with sadistic delight.

  No, he didn’t truly have a death wish, but Brutus had been growing tired of his role, heading off one apocalypse after another—the invasion of evil Mayan priests, the invasion of evil vampires, the invasion of evil vampire Mayan priests. And now? The immorta
l plague. It was all so repetitive, and, frankly, it took the joy out of winning. Disaster. Triumph. Disaster. Triumph.

  Of course, the winning streak only applied to his career. The relationship front was a whole other story: Disaster. Bigger disaster. For example, he had never wanted a mate. He’d never asked for one. Yet the Universe, in her infinite sadistic wisdom, had insisted on mating him to a goddess named Colel. Most called her “Bees” on account of her being the Mistress of Bees, who wore an enormous immortal beehive on her head—very sexy. He liked a woman who cared for the tinier creatures of the world. However, Colel had been given two mates. Two! Practically unheard of. Needless to say, the other male won. Some demigod-slash-vampire florist asshole, named after an orchid, who couldn’t save the world if he tried.

  Unlike me. Brutus had rescued the world hundreds of times.

  Now that things were over with the goddess, he’d lost all taste for women. No, no. He wasn’t into men either. Unicorns were a hard no, too. Sex fairies were okay on special occasions, like when Cimil, the Goddess of the Underworld, threw one of her famous barbecues or naked knitting parties—he loved to knit. For animals. Particularly his elderly cocker spaniel, Niccolo. The point was, after having his heart broken, the Universe thought it would be hysterical to set him on a course that had led him here. To this jungle. During a time in his life when he wanted nothing to do with women.

  And there are so many of them. Eesh…

  “Listen, ladies.” He cleared his throat and puffed out his large chest, determined to finally be heard. “I have been a good sport and sat here patiently for over a week, being ridden like a merry-go-round pony, but now it is time for you to allow me to complete my mission. Because, frankly, we’re out of time, and this cow,” he glanced at his cock, “has no more milk.”

  “Cow?” Fina chuckled. “That’s a funny thing to call your manhood.”

  Helga started laughing, too. “He compared himself to a cow. He thinks he’s valuable.”