Vampires Need Not...Apply?: An Accidentally Yours Novel (The Accidentally Yours Series) Read online

  Vampires Need Not… Apply?

  Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  Begin Reading

  Table of Contents

  Match the Quote

  An Excerpt from Accidentally… Evil?

  An Excerpt from Sun God Seeks… Surrogate?

  Glossary

  Character Definitions

  Newsletters

  Copyright Page

  In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher is unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.

  To my readers. Your endless smiles, funny notes, and cheering make this world such a godsdamned happy place to live in. Thank you! (You also get a WOO!)

  Acknowledgments (aka “Woos!”)

  Javi! I wrote another book, and you still love me! WOO!!

  Seb and Stef… you guys rock for pitching in while I worked like a madwoman so… woo! (And I love you.)

  Accidental Beta Readers: Many WOO-HOOS for you ladies! Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedules to provide feedback. Vicki Randall, Kim McNicholl, Karen Schwartz, Ute Carlin, Naughty Nana, and Ashlee Randall.

  Robin Rue and Beth Miller! WOO! (Thank you for picking up the ball and running hard with it. Super-woo!)

  Latoya and Team Forever! Woo! (That transition was a lot of dang work, but we made it… so that gets an extra WOO!)

  WARNING

  This book contains very naughty words (in two languages, no less!), sexual content (yes, I know… not nearly enough. You ladies are such horndogs! Seriously…☺), hot men with unrealistically large man-goodies, silliness, snark, sarcasm, and blatant abuse of the Engleesh language. (Cimil would be proud.)

  Match the Quote

  Which Deity Said What?

  1. “There’s a method to my madness. Yes, that method might be a teensy bit evil and seemingly random, but someone’s gotta make life interesting.”

  A. Cimil, ex–Goddess of the Underworld

  B. Acan, God of Intoxication and Wine

  C. Zac Cimi, God of (TBD)

  2. “Living for seventy thousand years without love is a fate I would not wish on my worst enemies.”

  A. Máax, the One No One Speaks Of

  B. Camaxtli, Goddess of the Hunt

  C. K’ak, just… K’ak.

  3. “A happy ending awaits us all, but only if we are brave enough to risk everything and have faith it will come.”

  A. Ixtab, Goddess of Suicide

  B. Camaxtli, Goddess of the Hunt

  C. Akna, Goddess of Fertility

  4. “Don’t touch the unicorn. Never, ever touch the unicorn.”

  A. Cimil, ex-Goddess of the Underworld

  B. The clowns (Cimil thinks they are deities, so that counts)

  C. Cimil’s unicorn

  SEE ANSWERS IN BACK

  Prologue

  Near Sedona, Arizona. Estate of Kinich Ahau, ex–God of the Sun. New Year’s Day

  Teetering on the very edge of a long white sofa, Penelope stared up at the oversized, round clock mounted on the wall. In ten minutes, the sun would set and the man they once knew as the God of the Sun would awake. Changed. She hoped.

  Sadly, there’d been a hell of a lot of hoping lately and little good it did her or her two friends, Emma and Helena, sitting patiently at her side. Like Penelope, the other two women had been thrust into this new world—filled with gods, vampires, and other immortal combinations in between—by means of the men they’d fallen in love with.

  Bottom line? Not going so great.

  Helena, the blonde who held two bags of blood in her lap, reached for Penelope and smoothed down her frizzy hair. “Don’t worry. Kinich will wake up. He will.”

  Pen nodded. She must look like a mess. Why hadn’t she taken the time to at least run a brush through her hair for him? He loved her dark hair. Maybe because she didn’t truly believe he’d come back to life. “I don’t know what’s worse, thinking I’ve lost him forever or knowing if he wakes up, he’ll be something he hates.”

  Emma chimed in, “He doesn’t hate vampires. He hates being immortal.”

  Pen shrugged. “Guess it really doesn’t matter now what he hates.” Kinich would either wake up or he wouldn’t. If he didn’t, she might not have the will to go on without him. Too much had happened. She needed him. She loved him. And most of all, she wanted him to know she was sorry for ever doubting him. He’d given his life to save them all.

  Tick.

  Another move of the hand.

  Tock.

  And another.

  Nine more minutes.

  The doorbell jolted the three women.

  “Dammit.” Emma, who wore her combat-ready outfit—black cargos and a black tee that made her red hair look like the flame on the tip of a match—marched to the door. “I told everyone not to disturb us.”

  Penelope knew that would never happen. A few hundred soldiers lurked outside and a handful of deities waited in the kitchen, snacking on cookies; new vampires weren’t known to be friendly. But Penelope insisted on having only her closest friends by her side for the moment of truth. Besides, Helena was a new vampire herself—a long story—and knew what to do.

  Emma unlocked the dead bolt. “Some idiot probably forgot my orders. I’ll send him away—” The door flew open with a cold gust of desert wind and debris. It took a moment for the three women to register who stood in the doorway.

  The creature, with long, matted dreads beaded with human teeth, wore nothing more than a loincloth over her soot-covered body.

  Christ almighty, it can’t be, thought Pen, as the smell of Maaskab—good old-fashioned, supernatural, pre-Hispanic death and darkness—entered her nose.

  Before Emma could drop a single f-bomb, the dark priestess raised her hand and blew Emma across the large, open living room, slamming her against the wall.

  Helena screamed and rushed to Emma’s side.

  Paralyzed with fear, Penelope watched helplessly as the Maaskab woman glided into the living room and stood before her, a mere two yards away.

  The woman raised her gaunt, grimy finger, complete with overgrown grime-caked fingernail, and pointed directly at Penelope. “Youuuu.”

  Holy wheat toast. Penelope instinctively stepped back. The woman’s voice felt like razor blades inside her ears. Penelope had to think fast. Not only did she fear for her life and for those of her friends, but both she and Emma were pregnant. Helena had a baby daughter. Think, dammit. Think.

  Penelope considered drawing the power of the sun, an ability she’d recently gained when she had become the interim Sun God—another long story—but releasing that much heat into the room might fry everyone in it.

  Grab the monster’s arm. Channel it directly into her.

  “Youuuu,” the Maaskab woman said once again.

  “Damn, lady.” Penelope covered her ears. “Did you swallow a bucket of rusty nails? That voice… gaaaahh.”

  The monster grunted. “I come with a message.”

  “For me?” Penelope took a step forward.

  The woman nodded, and her eyes, pits of blackness framed with cherry red, clawed at Penelope’s very soul. “It is for you I bring… the message.”

  Jeez. I get it. You have
a message. Penelope took another cautious step toward the treacherous woman. “So what are you waiting for?”

  “Pen, get away from her,” she heard Emma grumble from behind.

  Not on your life. Pen moved another inch. “I’m waiting, old woman. Wow me.”

  The Maaskab growled.

  Another step.

  “Don’t hurt my grandmother,” Emma pleaded.

  Grandma? Oh, for Pete’s sake. This was Emma’s grandmother? The one who’d been taken by the Maaskab and turned into their evil leader? They all thought she’d been killed.

  Fabulous. Granny’s back.

  For a fraction of a moment, the woman glanced over Pen’s shoulder at Emma.

  Another step.

  Penelope couldn’t let Emma’s feelings cloud the situation. Granny was dangerous. Granny was evil. Granny was going down.

  “We wish”—the old Maaskab woman ground out her words—“to make an exchange.”

  Penelope froze. “An exchange?”

  The woman nodded slowly. “You will free our king, and we will return your prisoners.”

  Shit. Free Chaam? The most evil deity ever known? He’d murdered hundreds, perhaps thousands of women, many his own daughters. His sole purpose in life was to destroy every last living creature, except for the Maaskab and his love slaves.

  No. They could never let that bastard out.

  But what about the prisoners? She debated with herself. In the last battle, the Maaskab had trapped forty of their most loyal vampire soldiers, the God of Death and War, aka Emma’s fiancé, and the General of the Vampire Army, aka Helena’s husband.

  Dammit. Dammit. Crispy-fried dammit! Penelope had to at least consider Granny’s proposal. “Why in the world would we agree to let Chaam go?”

  “A bunch of pathetic… little… girls… cannot triumph against us,” the Maaskab woman hissed. “You need the vampires and your precious God of Death and War.”

  Penelope’s brain ran a multitude of scenarios, trying to guess the angle. Apparently, the Maaskab needed Chaam back. But they were willing to give up Niccolo and Guy? Both were powerful warriors, perfectly equipped to kick the Maaskab’s asses for good.

  No. Something wasn’t quite right. “Tell me why you want Chaam,” Penelope said.

  Another step.

  “Because”—Granny flashed an odious grin—“the victory of defeating you will be meaningless without our beloved king to see it. All we do, we do for him.”

  Ew. Okay.

  “You, on the other hand…” She lowered her gravelly voice one octave. “… Do not have a chance without your men. We offer a fair fight in exchange for our king’s freedom.”

  Okay. She could be lying. Perhaps not. Anyone with a brain could see they were three inexperienced young women—yes, filled with passion and purpose and a love of shoes and all things shopping, in the case of Helena and Emma—but they didn’t know the first thing about fighting wars. Especially ones that might end in a big hairy apocalypse prophesied to be just eight months away.

  Sure, they had powerful, slightly insane, dysfunctional deities and battalions of beefy vampires and human soldiers on their side. However, that was like giving a tank to a kindergartner. Sort of funny in a Sunday comics Beetle Bailey kinda way, but not in real life.

  “Don’t agree to it,” Helena pleaded from the flank. “We’ll find another way to free them.”

  “She’s right, Pen,” Emma whimpered, clearly in pain.

  Penelope took another step. They were right; they’d have to find some other way to get the prisoners back. Chaam was too dang dangerous. “And if we refuse?”

  The Maaskab woman laughed into the air above, her teeth solid black and the inside of her mouth bright red.

  Yum. Nothing like gargling with blood to really freshen your breath.

  “Then,” Granny said, “we shall kill both men—yes, even your precious Votan; we have the means—and the end of days will begin. It is what Chaam would have wanted.”

  Granny had conveniently left out the part about killing her and her friends before she departed this room. Why else would the evil Maaskab woman have come in person when an evil note would have done the evil job? Or how about an evil text?

  No. Emma’s grandmother would kill them if the offer was rejected. She knew it in her gut.

  Penelope didn’t blink. No fear. No fear. The powerful light tingled on the tips of her fingers. She was ready.

  “Then you leave us no choice. We agree.” Penelope held out her hand. “Shake on it.”

  The Maaskab woman glanced down at Pen’s hand. Pen lunged, grabbed the woman’s soot-covered forearm, and opened the floodgates of heat. Evil Granny dropped to her knees, screaming like a witch drowning in a hot, bubbling cauldron.

  “No! No!” Emma screamed. “Don’t kill her! Don’t, Pen!”

  Crackers! Penelope released the woman who fell face forward onto the cold Saltillo tile. Steam rose from her naked back and dreadlock-covered skull.

  “Grandma? Oh, God, no. Please don’t be dead.” Emma dropped to her knees beside the eau-de-charred roadkill. “She’s still breathing.”

  The room suddenly filled with Penelope’s private guards. They looked like they’d been chewed up and spit out by a large Maaskab blender—tattered, dirty clothes and bloody faces.

  That explained what had taken so long; they must’ve been outside fighting more Maaskab.

  The men pointed their rifles at Emma’s unconscious grandmother. Zac, God of Who the Hell Knew and Penelope’s right hand since she’d been appointed the interim leader of the gods—yes, yes, another long story—blazed into the room, barking orders. “Someone get the Maaskab chained up.”

  Zac, dressed in his usual black leather pants and tee combo that matched his raven-black hair, turned to Penelope and gazed down at her with his nearly translucent, aquamarine eyes. “Are you all right?”

  Penelope nodded. It was the first time in days she’d felt glad to see him. He’d been suffocating her ever since Kinich—

  “Oh, gods!” They’d completely forgotten about Kinich!

  Her eyes flashed up at the clock.

  Tick.

  Sundown.

  A gut-wrenching howl exploded from the other room. Everyone stiffened.

  “He’s alive!” Pen turned to rush off but felt a hard pull on her arm.

  “No. You’ve had enough danger for one day. I will go.” Zac wasn’t asking.

  Penelope jerked her arm away. “He won’t hurt me. I’ll be fine. Just stay here and help Emma with her grandmother.” She snatched up the two bags of blood from the floor where Helena had dropped them.

  “Penelope, I will not tell you again.” Zac’s eyes filled with anger. Though he was her right hand, he was still a deity and not used to being disobeyed.

  “Enough.” Penelope held up her finger. “I don’t answer to you.”

  Zac’s jealous eyes narrowed for a brief moment before he stiffly dipped his head and then quietly watched her disappear through the doorway.

  She rushed down the hallway and paused outside the bedroom with her palms flat against the hand-carved double doors. The screams had not stopped.

  Thank the gods that Kinich, the ex–God of the Sun, was alive. Now they would have a chance to put their lives back together, to undo what never should have been—such as putting her in charge of his brothers and sisters—and she would finally get the chance to tell him how much she loved him, how grateful she was that he’d sacrificed everything to save them, about their baby.

  This was their second chance.

  She only needed to get him through these first days as a vampire. And orchestrate a rescue mission for the God of Death and War and the General of the Vampire Army. And deal with the return of Emma’s evil granny. And figure out how to stop an impending apocalypse set to occur in eight—yes, eight!—months. And deal with a few hundred women with amnesia they’d rescued from the Maaskab. And manage a herd of insane egocentric, accident-prone deities, with AD
HD. And carry a baby. And don’t forget squeezing in some time at the gym. Your thighs are getting flabby!

  “See? This Kinich vampire thing should be easy,” she assured herself.

  She pushed open the door to find Kinich shirtless, writhing on the bed. His muscular legs and arms strained against the silver chains attached to the deity-reinforced frame. He was a large, beautiful man, almost seven feet in height, with shoulders that spanned a distance equal to two widths of her body.

  “Kinich!” She rushed to his side. “Are you okay?” She attempted to brush his gold-streaked locks from his face, but he flailed and twisted in agony.

  “It burns!” he wailed. “The metal burns.”

  “I know, honey. I know. But Helena says you need to drink before we can let you go. Full tummy. Happy vamp—”

  “Aaahh! Remove them. They burn. Please,” he begged.

  Oh, saints.

  He would never hurt her. Would he? Of course not.

  “Try to hold still.” She went to the dresser, pulled open the top drawer, and grabbed the keys.

  She rushed to his ankle and undid one leg, then the other.

  Kinich stopped moving. He lay there, eyes closed, breathing.

  Without hesitation she undid his right arm and then ran to the other side to release the final cuff.

  “Are you okay? Kinich?”

  Without opening his eyes, he said, “I can smell and hear everything.”

  Helena had said that blocking out the noise was one of the hardest things a new vampire had to learn. That and curbing their hunger for innocent humans who, she was told, tasted the yummiest. Helena also mentioned to always make sure he was well fed. Full tummy, happy vampire. Just like a normal guy except for the blood obviously.

  Penelope deposited herself on the bed next to Kinich with a bag of blood in her hands. “You’ll get used to it. I promise. In the meantime, let’s get you fed. I have so much to—”

  Kinich threw her down, and she landed on her back with a hard thump and the air whooshed from her lungs.

  Straddling her, Kinich pinned her wrists to the floor. His turquoise eyes shifted to hungry black, and fangs protruded from his mouth. “You smell delicious. Like sweet sunshine.”